1. The Sociopath is different from other men

"The sociopath is different from other men who lie to you.

Sociopaths lie chronically and repetitively about the past, the present, and the future. Because lying is an addiction for them - their most intense high - they lie even when the truth is a better story. They continue to lie even after they’re caught, and the only remorse they are capable of feeling is for having been found out. They live for the thrill of the con, for putting one over on you, and to remind themselves that they’re smarter than all those suckers out there who fall for their lies. “Catch me if you can,” is what they all seem to be saying.

Let me lay out for you the behavioral characteristics that define these men so there’s no confusion regarding what I’m talking about. Astoundingly just about every sociopath will exhibit most if not all of these traits:

Glib and persuasive
Highly impulsive, restless and easily bored needing constant stimulation
Practiced at using protestations of love and devotion to get what he wants
Without feelings of guilt
Full of fake repentance and promises to do better when caught lying
Totally lacking in conscience
Vague and inconsistent about his past
Always blaming others for his failures
Unable to bond closely, cheating repeatedly on his partners

He speaks words of love that sound fabulous, and he seems completely devoted to making you happy. He’s calm, not shifty, and confident, never anxious or guilty. If he makes a blunder, he sound sincerely sorry, and his promises are just what you want to hear.

Its the breaks in the façade that begin to feel frightening. That love of excitement that makes him so much fun, so much more alive than the dull run-of-the-mill men reveals itself to be an impulsive streak that leads to him act without thinking.

The sociopath has big missing pieces inside of him, yet as we have said, he may be the best and most romantic lover you’ve ever had. But despite his charm and the odor of excitement and drama that often surrounds him, he is incapable of real love. He acts with no concern for anyone or anything but his own gratification. He lies for the kick of it. You are not a person but an object to him. A means to an end.

Seduction and deception are the twin hallmarks of the sociopath. Once the beguiling begins, it’s a time of intense overwhelming romantic and sexual excitement – the same kind of intensity and excitement that can mark the beginning of a great relationship. All of us are wary when there’s a sense of too much too soon because it may be an indication that somethings not quite right.

In many cases a sociopath will detect a window is vulnerability – a small rip in the woman’s emotional fabric. Maybe you’ve been through something unpleasant recently or raising a child on your own. Maybe you just are desperate to love someone again. The sociopath registers every detail about his mark’s life and uses it to his advantage. They take what they want when they want it, and they often move on without warning when the woman they’re with starts to get suspicious or when they’ve gotten all they can from her.

Men like this look great on the surface because like all sociopaths they become what their victims want them to be.

Sociopaths are extremely persuasive because every bit of their energy goes into creating an aura of intimacy. Sociopaths thrive on chaos and danger and living a life on the edge. They are rarely at rest, and deception and lying satisfy their virtually unquenchable need for stimulation.

THE SEXUAL SOCIOPATH

The sexual sociopath is the most baffling of all. He’s a man who lives not on the fringes of society but very much in the center of things. He’s highly competent in some parts of his life, but profoundly ruthless in intimate relationships.

Compulsive cheating is a central part of the sexual sociopaths routine, but it may be the only part that’s out of line. In a sense, he can be called a partial sociopath, because the other aspects of his life appear to be relatively stable. But the cheating catches him up in the thrill of doing something forbidden. He faces the constant risk of being caught in his perpetual web of lies, which provides the danger and chaos he craves, but he knows he won’t get arrested. It’s easy to see that what he wants is not a close, loving relationship but people to manipulate and deceive.

People want neat logical answers about what makes people tick. The reality is that human behavior in many cases defies simple explanation. Internally, The sociopath appears to be wired differently from the rest of us. His inner world is like a Swiss cheese riddled with holes. Somehow it never came together to form a conscience. He may have been unable to bond with his parents because they were absent, abusive or controlling. He may have been overindulged and allowed to act on his impulses without coming into contact with the consequences. He may always have had a low tolerance for frustration. He may have always lived a double life, even as an adolescent, in order to appease his parents.

Traditional therapy is totally ineffective with the sociopath because he lacks the crucial internal elements needed to have any kind of successful therapeutic experience:

He doesn’t experience the pain that motivates people to change
He doesn’t believe that what he’s done is wrong
He has no access to his emotional self (except may use fake emotion to manipulate his marks)
He is without the moral and ethical borders that would create feelings of guilt or shame about his behavior
He thinks he is smarter / more deserving than everyone else
He will come into therapy only because he’s been ordered there or to placate a partner he’s not ready to discard.
He won’t tell the truth and is often very successful at conning the therapist.

On the rare occasions when a sociopath does come in to see a therapist because it’s in his best interest to do so, he will spend a lot of time trying to convince his partner and the therapist that he realizes his mistakes.

Sociopaths do not learn from experience or punishment. They may show false repentance or even manage to shed a few tears as they try to make you believe they are going to change. If they lose a relationship, there’s always another one waiting in the wings. Nothing will keep them from reverting to their destructive behavior."

Excerpt from When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal.

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