7. Confrontation

A word of warning:  Don’t confront a man you think could become physically violent. If he has physically assaulted you or anyone in any way in the past, you should have left him when that occurred. If you’re still with a man who has hit you or someone else before and you fear you you may hit you again, his lying is the least of your worries.

 

The Three Cornerstones of Confrontation

 

"Gathering your thoughts and your courage, structure what you’re going to tell your partner using these three basic points as your guide:

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1. This is what I know

2. This is how it makes me feel

3. This is what I want from you now

 

This is what I know

For both you and your partner this is the foundation of the problem, the solid evidence of the lying. When you have solid evidence, whether they admit their lies or is still denying that they lied to you, the confrontation will allow you to evaluate their capacity to face their actions and take responsibility for them. If the lies have accumulated over months or years, you may have a long list of incidents in mind, or you may have one major shocking event.

 

Make a list of the following

• This is what I saw

• This is what I’ve been told

• Here are the contradictions between what you told me and what I’ve discovered

 

Be specific. This list is a valuable way of staying connected with the objective truth of the situation as it stands right now. He may try to deny or minimize the facts, but this, in black-and-white, is what happened. This is what you know.

 

This is how your lying makes me feel

Sad, terrified, betrayed, bewildered, hurt, furious, contemptuous. These are some of the most common feelings you have when you discover your partner's lies. But don’t assume that just because he's seen you crying or yelling or silently brooding that he’s making the connection between what he did and where you are emotionally. You are entitled to tell him your emotional truth - the link between his behavior and your emotional turmoil. You know its complexity and colors. He may see the sadness but not the rage or vice versa. And your sense of betrayal, feeling tricked and insulted, may be invisible to him.

 

When you are ready to let your partner know your feelings, it’s natural to worry that he will somehow use them against you, or see you as weak and vulnerable. You may be locked into the belief that it’s better to stay angry than to be sad. At least anger has some power in it. But your healing depends on your ability to identify, express, and be comfortable with the full range of your feelings. Even the ones that make you feel vulnerable. It’s well worth the risk of being honest with him and yourself.

 

This is what I want from you now

Setting conditions is the part that gives people the most trouble. Of course you want an end to the lying, and of course you want to feel better. You might even be certain that what you want is to have him out of your life or in your life. Because you are so torn right now, you probably have no idea what kind of relationship might be possible.  Once you give him time to respond to this part of your confrontation, here’s where you find your limits, your wounds, your expectations, and your non-negotiable list of what is an is an acceptable to you. These are your conditions.

 

It is far too early to know what you want for the long term, that decision can only come overtime. But you do have definite requirements today, and that is where you can begin.

 

Regardless of what the lies have been about, here’s the first thing to ask for: he must acknowledge and take personal responsibility for his actions and their effects.

 

Taking responsibility means that he needs to admit what he’s done and how much he has hurt you (and likely others).

 

This firm, no compromise list of the requirements is the foundation you’ll need to begin thinking about whether it’s possible to continue as a couple. Every item on this list is essential consider these actions to be non-negotiable:

 

1. He must end all contact with other partners

2. He must enter into some form of therapy or counseling for himself, and the two of you need couples counseling.

3. He must be willing to work actively with you to build a new relationship based on truth and personal integrity. In short, no more lying.

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Sex, money, and addiction maybe the subjects that most men lie about they’re usually the ones that caused the most emotional chaos. Often you’ll find the man in your life is lying about more than one of these topics. And he may well lie about others. But whatever the subject of the lie, you need to confront him the same way. Remember that you always want him to acknowledge that he’s lied and that he’s deceived and hurt you.

 

You want an end to the lies, and you want to be respected enough to be told the truth about his past and present if there’s to be any chance of healing.

 

Confrontation empowers you. You’ll come out of it knowing that you have found the courage to tell your truth and to ask for what you want. Taking action, and not just waiting to react to what he says and does, will increase your self-respect immeasurably.

 

Chances are, your partner will feel even more concerned when you confront him and when he did when you first found out about his lying. Most men will do almost anything to avoid looking bad. He’s going to feel guilty, vulnerable, embarrassed, and even humiliated. You’ll have a tough time with this kind of exchange, and being confronted this directly is not exactly his idea of fun. He’ll be very off-balance, and he may be more concerned with regaining his footing then responding to what you’ve said. As a result he may resort to tactics similar to the ones he used when you first found out about his lies, with some new wrinkles. He  may once again try to:

 

• Minimize his behavior

• Blame you or others for his behavior or

• Work on your sympathies

 

He may now also:

 

• Expect automatic amnesty because he’s apologized.

• Quietly refused to honor some or all of your requirements.

• Get angry with you for making so many demands on him and accuse you of trying to control him.

• And in a few instances if he has used denial in the past, he may continue to use it now, even in the face of overwhelming evidence.

 

 

MINIMIZING BEHAVIOR

In the cosmic scheme of things, compared with wars, pandemics and weapons of mass destruction what’s really so bad about  a few lies or a partner he neglected to tell you about?

At least that’s what your partner would like you to believe as he tries to make the tremendous pain he’s caused you look like a papercut. He’s not a serial killer, after all and look at all the other wonderful things he’s done. You may be so thrilled that your lover has admitted to his lies instead of denying them that you eagerly pounce on the words "yes I did it" without paying enough attention to what he says next.

 

It’s important to watch out for responses that sound as if he’s taking responsibility but that are actually evasive, aimed at placating you by minimizing his role in what he’s done.

 

He may attempt to use some typical excuse-laden rationalizing statements like the following:

 

• Yes I know I hurt you. I don’t know what got into me. I must’ve been out of my mind. (Insanity plea)

• It had nothing to do with you.  (You weren’t supposed to find out. I figured what you didn’t know wouldn’t hurt you)

• I never meant to hurt you. (But he did!) (Again, I figured what you didn’t know wouldn’t hurt you.)

 

If he uses phrases like these in an attempt to minimize the seriousness of what he did, you need to say:

 

What I want from you is a clear acknowledgment that

1.  You broke our agreement when you were sexually / emotionally involved  with another woman

2. You betrayed me

3.  You lied to me

4.  You’ve hurt me terribly and aren’t fully aware of how much

 

If he attempts to blame his behavior on you or anyone else do not allow him to play the blame game. You’re going to handle his blaming responses with empowering, non-defensive responses of your own.

 

Answer his rationalizations with any or all of the following:

 

• This is about your lying, not about anyone else’s behavior.

• Lying was your choice and your decision

• You had plenty of other options including communicating about what you needed, so that we could have looked for a solution together

• I am not willing to take responsibility for your behavior

 

WORKING ON YOUR SYMPATHIES

In response to your confrontation, he may ignore requirements and instead cry, plead, beg, get distressed or even threatened to hurt himself if you don’t immediately promise to stay with him. He may say things like:

 

• Yes, I lied to you but that doesn’t make me a monster

• This is killing me

• I can’t live without you

• I’ve never felt so awful about anything in my life

 

On cue, you’re supposed to turn to jelly, stop any attempt at resolving the crisis, and fall into his arms. At least that’s the scenario he has in his mind, especially if this kind of strategy has been successful for him before. And it’s very upsetting to see a man who is normally not very emotional suddenly become upset. Your first impulse may be to comfort him and forget about what you’re trying to accomplish. Resist it.

 

IVE SAID IM SORRY ISN'T THAT ENOUGH

For many men, the operative equation is confession equals absolution. It’s not easy for people to acknowledge that they’ve lied or to apologize for it, and they want full credit for the effort. Too often though they want their acknowledgment to be the endpoint of the crisis.

 

From now on, you’ll have to hold your partner to a much higher standard.

 

You’ll need proof of his intent to change kind of down payment on his promises. You’ll need action, not just words, even when the words seem to be just the right ones."

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Excerpt from When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal.

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