Help

After a betrayal, we often find ourselves feeling some large emotions - anger, sadness, grief and anxiety usually top the list. Seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor can help you develop and practice the tools you need to cope with and move through those feelings after being betrayed by a partner.  

Healing is hard to define and some days I wondered if I'd ever reach a point where I truly felt "healed".  I was so entrenched in my anger at my ex while I wrote daily journals and began writing a book about his bullshit, that I started to feel drained of all my creative energy. Rehashing my anger every day made me more angry.  Telling your story is important, but once I started to focus on healing and not my anger towards him, I realized I was releasing it - and that was when I started to feel healing was possible.  

Trust issues were innate in my situation, and many of us who are lied to repeatedly become untrusting in an intimate relationship.  When a guy would say nice things that sounded similar to things my ex would say like -- "you're perfect" or "you're not like other girls", I became triggered and immediately started worrying that they were lying to me or would in the future. I would then pull away and become less emotionally available to them without any evidence of an actual lie taking place.  Therapy, books, journaling, and focusing on my own health and healing moving forward helped me start to recognize when I was being triggered.  

It took time, therapy, vulnerability and communication with my new partner to start to feel like I was learning to trust again. My new partner had quite a hurdle ahead of him, but his transparency, consistency, showing up daily, and being willing to engage in actual conflict allowed me to learn to trust him slowly and naturally.  That feeling of trusting another person (and myself) allowed me feel healed in yet another way. 

As was the case with my ex, lying can be an addiction for some people. "Lies seem to serve the same purpose as the addictive substance itself. They provide an escape from difficulty and unpleasantness." If your partner is dishonest repeatedly, yet is willing to seek recovery, point them to recovery.org.

"The addictive process tends to progress from denial and outright lying toward delusion because it makes it easier to live with one’s self if the fabrications that seem to be necessary for survival feel “real.” Yet, there is always another part of the mind that knows the truth."  

The deceived & betrayed partner should seek help and support for themselves first and foremost. Liars often say that they will see a therapist in order to appease their partner in the moment. Often that's just one of their many lies and they do not actually seek or finish treatment. 

For the deceived, be sure to seek support from friends, family and professionals who can help you manage the deep grief and loss experienced when a liar is discovered or especially when you end a relationship with a liar. 

Relationship Hero matches you with coaches who specialize in areas where you need help, and our coaches provide actionable advice that's personalized to your situation. We're available 24/7 for ongoing support along your journey. 

If you cannot afford therapy right now, keep educating yourself with books and articles about how to spot a liar, why they lie, and how to heal from lies in an intimate relationship. 



HOW  TO  HEAL 
In addition to talking to a professional, you can start taking a few small steps towards healing each day. 

PRACTICAL STEPS TOWARDS HEALING: 

- Read books and articles about healing from trauma, the dark triad, narcissism, and liars' patterns.  Suggested reading here. 

- Take care of yourself. This sounds obvious but it's easy to ignore our own feelings of anger, disgust, and contempt and get lost in work, sex, alcohol, drugs or even to get lost in trying to find answers your partner may not have given you.  Emotional pain affects the body much like physical pain does.  Be sure you're sleeping adequately, eating healthy foods, exercising (suggested workouts) and getting plenty time to do what makes you feel empowered and healthy. 

- Have sex. Sex creates the best-of-the-best chemicals in the brain. Don't rush to this if you aren't feeling ready, but start creating new connections with people as soon as you're feeling even a little bit of excitement do so. Sexual healing is a real thing. New memories over write old, painful memories. You may think you had found the best sex partner once upon a time, but you may be surprised.  Ask yourself - what would it feel like if I slept with someone even more compatible or good for me? 

- Attempt empathy. This is a tough one.  And may not be possible for every situation. When I discovered my partner had lied about sleeping with other people, did not use protection as we had agreed to do if were to have other partners, was talking to and possibly having sex with multiple girls on dating apps while he was telling both me and another partner he loved us -- I wanted to understand why and how he could do that. 

After we broke up, I got back on dating apps a week later and started hooking up with multiple people in an attempt to understand why he was doing it.  At one point, I was sleeping with six people and only told them about my other partners if they specifically asked (only two of them asked). The amount of attention I was receiving was incredibly intoxicating and did cause an almost high affect.  As an impulsive, insecure and sex-crazed man who was always chasing a high, I started to at least understand why the attention got to my ex's head. It felt great.

But as soon as a partner asked if I had other partners I found it impossible to lie to them - so that was where my empathy stopped. If you can even consider putting yourself in your liar's shoes and consider if you might act as they did in that situation - it may lesson the hold your anger / disgust / contempt has over you.